What is Grief?
Grief is the internal part of loss, how we feel. The internal work of grief is a process, a journey. It is as individual as each of us. Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own imprint, as distinctive and as unique as the person we lost. The pain of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving we deeply connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost.
God Says “There is a time to Mourn” Ecclesiastes 3:4
“Weep with those who weep” Romans 12:15
“blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted” Matthew 5:4
“Joseph wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it” Genesis 45:2
“As Jesus approached Jerusalem he wept over it” Luke 19:41-44
God comes to you in your suffering
God is present in your suffering
God speaks to you through your suffering
Jesus on the cross entrusted his suffering to God
God is faithful Psalm 145:14-15
God is present Psalm 121:3
God cares First Peter 5:7
God is our refuge Psalm 62:1-2, 8, 11-12
“God will wipe away all tears” Revelation 21:4
“Jesus, who remains history’s perfect and complete man stands at a tomb and weeps”Robinson
Why Not Just Avoid Grief?
We think we want to avoid the grief, but really, it is the pain of the loss we want to avoid. Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings us comfort in our pain.
What is the Difference Between Grief and Mourning?
Mourning is the external part of loss. It is the actions we take, the rituals and the customs. Grief is the internal part of loss, how we feel. The internal work of grief is a process, a journey.
When Does Grief End?
Grief is not just a series of events, or stages or timelines. Our Society places enormous pressure on us to get over loss, to get through the grief. But how long do you grieve for a husband of fifty years? A teenager killed in a car accident? A four-year-old child? A year? Five years? Forever? The loss happens in time, in fact in a moment, but its aftermath lasts a lifetime.
Experiences of Grief
The diagram on the following page sets out some of the experiences of grief. The diagram is a tool to help you frame and identify what you may be feeling. The different items are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Nor will everyone experience all of these. There is no prescribed order. These items are simply some responses to loss that many people experience, but there is no typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.
What is Denial?
Denial in grief has been misinterpreted over the years. Denial in grieving helps us to survive the loss. When we experience deep loss the world often becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day.
Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Partial denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. These feelings are important; they are the psyche’s protective mechanisms. Letting in all the feelings associated with loss at once would be overwhelming emotionally. We can’t believe what has happened because we actually can’tbelieve what has happened
For a person who has lost a loved one, the denial is more symbolic than literal. This does not mean that you literally don’t know your loved one has died. You do. It means you come home and you can’t believe that your loved one will never walk through the door again. You will not talk to them again or visit them.
How Long will Grief Last? Do I Ever Get over the Loss of a Loved-One?
Grief does not end on a certain day or date. Grief is the healing process that helps us deal with the loss of a loved-one. It is an experience of feelings surrounding the loss. Grief will ebb and flow throughout our life after a loss. We don’t get over the loss of someone, but we learn to live with that loss. We also will eventually remember and honour our loved one without feeling pain. We will grieve as long as we need to.
Some Helpful Bible Passages
Psalm 23
John chapter 10:14-18; John chapter 14:1-6
1 Thessalonians chapter 4:13-18
1 Corinthians chapter 15:3-4, 20-28, 35-57; 2 Corinthians chapter 5:1-9
Revelation chapter 21; chapter 22
Journaling
Some people find that writing down things like their thoughts, feelings, frustrations, unhelpful events/comments, memories, regrets, things they can celebrate, is a great help during this time of loss. I have proved this.
Praying the Psalms
The Psalms recorded in the Bible are experiences of individuals as they wrestle with life's deepest questions. Many people find that using a Psalm as a prayer enables them to give voice to their grief journey while at the same time asking God for his help. Some of these Psalms include: Psalm 13; 38; 116; 120; 121; Psalms of confession 6; 32; 38; 51; 102; 130; 143 and many others.
Dr Keith Graham
Email: keithrockmin@ozemail.com.au